I have continued to learn and grow through the process of answering these
questions from gay Muslims around the world, however, I do have some general
rules I subscribe for people to use as a way to balance the heterosexual
normative and the gay normative, if you will permit me that usage, LOL, in
locating a long-term relationship or marriage. However, to answer your question
to gay dating, I say, within certain boundaries that promote a long-term
relationship between consenting adults, why not. The framework is similar, and
if you meet the basics of one, why not utilize the same for the gay one too? Not
stating we should immolate heterosexuals in role-playing and role modeling, but
what a standard relationship framework for contracting a marriage, whether
Mut`ah or long-term is a good place to begin. I will respond to your
questions with my comments interspersed below.
Before I respond to your questions, though, I must elaborate on several points
so that some are not misled or do not understand my perspective and position on
this subject. Firstly, I operate from the premise that gay Muslims have the
right/haqq to an intimate companion and protector just as heterosexuals
have the same right to a companion and protector. This right is not based upon
gender, but on intention. As much as women have raised the question of gender in
interpreting Qur'an, so must we also question the heterosexual normative that is
implied in interpretations of Qur'an, in particular the Lut Story. It through
this process of understanding Qur'an more deeply through reflection and
consultation with Allah, each gay Muslim finds their standard that meets their
need(s) for a companion.
Allah created all humans with very similar physical needs, not only in diverse
outside coverings (bodies, colors, textures and genitalia), Allah also provided
us a diversity of inner states of being too (sexual orientations, mental
capacities, temperaments, personality quirks, and the list goes on and on).
Allah's message clearly expresses this diversity because we are to look to the
signs, symbols, and words that guide us in righteousness for all humankind
as intimates and protectors--and those things are general and not specific to
gender identification(s).
Therefore, gay Muslims have the right (haqq) to
companionship. In terms of the type of companionship I speak, I believe for some
of us, marriage should be the ultimate goal. For others, I believe that mut'ah (a "semi-marriage" contract
between two consenting adults that mirror a marriage arrangement/ relationship)
may be appropriate, depending upon one's circumstances. I caution each of us to
consider what circumstances that would take such a relationship outside of a
committed relationship should be avoided. Though this question can be difficult
to find solace, I believe seeking a compatible mate
based on several generalities are in order so that one selects a partner of
quality that meets one's desire for an intimate and protector in the guidance of
Allah.
Secondly, my limited studies on Qur'an and sexuality within Islamic thought,
e.g., concepts on marriage, halal and haram aspects within a
marriage, the contract or arrangement and commitment to fulfilling it, are very
important to developing respect for one companion and
such respect, it is anticipated if done correctly, works in both directions.
Therefore, my studies have reinforced my belief that Allah does not work in
dictatorial specifics for everything within a person's life; for example, for
some Muslims the detail of which foot
to place in the bathroom is overemphasis for form rather than spirit). Allah
provides very broad generalities that have some narrowing in the framework when
based on circumstances and cause and effect(s). Since there are only so many
specifics within Quran,
generalities are the foundational process by which we are to understand Quran at
its most basic level(s). It is also incumbent upon each Muslim to grow in their
faith, whether born into the Islam or a person who finds Islam a method by which
they finds faith. And
traditionally, marriage has been this source of companionship, as gay Muslims
would be fool-hearty to believe we can ignore those standards and find suitable
companions that work well in their lives as Muslims.
Finally, on this note, Allah has also provided Muslims an additional diversity
as it relates to one deen. As members of the Book(s), meaning apart of the
Abrahemic faiths, they are allowed to intermarry if one finds a mate that is not
Muslim. Prior to the "pristine-nizing" Islam for general consumption, a portion
of the Muslim community were either married to or intermarried with non-Muslims.
The current social standard that one must marry a Muslim is both a much later
tradition established by political and cultural enforcement rather than a
dictate from Quran or authentic Sunnah of Prophet Mohammed, for even he
intermarried with the various tribes to bring together the first Muslim
community. What is more sunnah than that example itself.
How physical do you get and how quickly? (i.e., as opposed to going
all the way on the first date); how soon do you get sexual? How do
you approach dating?
First, I would want to change the pecking order of these questions into something
like, (1) How do I approach dating?; (2) How physical do you get and how
quickly?; (3) How soon do you get sexual? In my understanding and suggestion, I
would say the first thought about
entering the "dating" scene is that you are not looking for immediate sexual
gratification, for to do so is allow oneself to get swayed into sex rather than
an intimate relationship.
In this instance, when I say, intimate, I mean based on mutual respect and a
commitment to each other to have this type of monogamous relationship set-up. If
it's mut`ah then it has a proscribed period. But let's not play mind
games about a commitment for a night--wrong answer!!!! As it clearly shows an
intent for sex and not a long-term relationship, one should not play (gay)
sexual mind games and (gay) sexual mind games won't play with you.
I found in my dating experience that once I'd known the person through several
outings such as a movie, museum visit, socializing with friends, both his and
mine, we have talked about what a relationship means and we find common ground
to build a friendship and relationship, then that becomes a reasonable
expectation. Sexual intimacy should come after you've had a chance to meet the
person and establish a rapport and you can ask the question with sincerity and
honesty that your interests are beyond immediate sexual intimacy and
pleasure--sure there were time when I had a strong hard on for the brother, but
I didn't let my little head control my mind. During the "dating" period, I
abstained, but made it known that I was having sexual feelings for him--a good
thing, but I was keeping to a
standard, which he respected because it showed him that I have scruples and
wasn't open to a "quickie" for whatever reason.
For me it was about three months
before we were comfortable with moving into a more intimate arrangement. For
others, it might be longer. I just encourage each individual to maintain a
higher standard than what is considered within the gay mileau some of us
participate--e.g., meet them tonight, move in next week. So I'm saying very
clearly that picking someone up at a club or public park or wherever is not
upholding Islamic standards, and if you need some guidelines as to level of
behavior(s), then the materials at the website for heterosexual marriage
relationships is a good place to start to gather what type of framework one
should be working with if your intention is a long-term relationship.
How fast should you move in a relationship? How far into the
future do you look?
How fast one moves in a relationship should be tempered by one's intention, as a
quickie is not in my mind a good intention, but a quest for sexual release. When
you spend time in meditation and prayer concerning a person you have come to
know, I'm of the mind you
will get your guidance on how to move forward from the information you've
gleaned from your "dating" events. I also think you will get input from your
friends and family, if you're out to them, and they can help you by providing
feedback if they are close enough to you for that level of discussion on your
intentions and goals of association with this person. If you find they have
friends that you wouldn't want to be your close friends, that may be a
consideration, depending upon what kind of friends they may have.
For example,
bowling buddies are very different from former sexual partners--and that's one
area in the gay life that may come to the fore. For me, it's too much of a
slippery slope, and I find I have trust issues arise from a former
relationship--of we're just friends--such an association doesn't mean that they
are still having intimate relations, but in my experience, it's a very difficult
line to maintain and such a relationship doesn't work for me. If such an issue
is there, I would cross them off my life of potentials because I'm not
comfortable with it and why go into something that leaves me anxious and
wondering? Too much drama for my life, so I end it there. So there is no
definative answer, but we have to look at our circumstances and intentions and
the cause of effects of our actions.
As to how far into the future you're looking, I hope it's for the long-term.
Doesn't mean it will reach a 25 year or longer marriage, but who knows what it
may becom--you still have to get to 1 year, 5 years, and so forth. I do
understand that the stardards for marriage in the west have declined until 50
percent or less remain married. In many ways, Muslims tend to stay married
longer, but that is also declining in Western areas. I think the best thing is
to always go to Allah for your answers and let Allah's inspiration provide you
the clarity you seek.
May Allah continue go guide and bless us all, Ameen.
